Blahblahblah you dont wanna read this

I feel really down right now. Do you know how bad it is? I can’t even write about it anymore. I can’t sort out my emotions. If someone could cut me open right now, all they’d see is this really dark mixture of hurt, worry, and uncertainty.

This isn’t just about him anymore. It’s about my friends. I don’t think they have any idea how much tomorrow really means to me. I’m not sure if they’re going to do what they promised they’d do. And I’m really scared that if they don’t…then I can’t call them my friends.

I don’t believe in optimism because I always end up getting disappointed. Right now I’m expecting the worst that could happen. But even so, I don’t know if I can handle the wave of pain that will come crashing down on me when it does.

And no, I can’t rely on my friends for emotional support this time. The sucky thing about being the quiet girl in the group is that you’re everybody’s emotional punching bag. You can listen to them rant about some stupid thing all day long but during the rare occassion that you need someone to listen to you–no one does.

It hurts.

Man, I really do need that paper journal. I’m starting to sound like I have nothing better to do than feel sorry for myself all day. And telling people stuff like this is starting to become embarassing.

Protected: Help me. What can I do to forget?

I’m not used to getting flowers, so I don’t know what to say

I got a text message from my dad yesterday and he was like, “Come home now. You have some gifts from a boy.”

Oooh.

I got home at around 8 and when I went to the kitchen to get something to eat, I smelled flowers and followed their scent to the den. And this was what I saw:

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That is the most beautiful arrangement of flowers I have ever seen. And as if one boquet of flowers wasn’t enough, I also got tulips:

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And these:

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Notice how the chocolate box is empty. That’s because I ate them all the moment I saw them. Haha! Back in high school, I always envied the girls who got boxes and boxes of Ferrero chocolates from their boyfriends or girlfriends. Not because I wanted someone special in my life, but because I wanted to know what Ferrero chocolates tasted like. Being the weird kid meant that boys don’t talk to you during interactions (not that I minded much cos they weren’t really my type anyway) and that butches don’t go for you because they prefer more conventional girls (well, except for one, but that was only because she loved talking about herself and I was nice enough to pretend to listen). Therefore, nobody ever wooed me with Ferrero in my life. I never had the nerve to ask my classmates for a piece because that seemed like a rude thing to do. And buying chocolates in a heart-shaped box for yourself sounds a little pathetic.

Well, at least I now know what Ferrero chocolates taste like! Mmmm. They’re very sweet and sinful. The outside is a crunchy chocolate wafer, and inside the wafer there’s some chocolate and in the middle of the chocolate is a round nutty thing. Just so you know.

Thank you so much, Jason, for the flowers and the chocolates. You really didn’t have to do that because I know I don’t deserve them, not after the way I’ve been treating you lately. But thank you anyway. I’m glad you remembered that tulips are my favorite flowers.