I am a freak of nature, a total embarassment to womanhood

It’s official. I cannot dance to hip-hop to save my life.

I am so bad that there is now a dance move named after me. It’s called The Dance Move Lauren Can’t Do (coined by my friend, Badong). I’d rather call it The Twirly Butt Thing.

I don’t know how I ended up at Ateneo High School with Tina, Tzi, and Badong this afternoon. And for the next two hours, I provided entertainment and fun to my three friends and a bunch of high school sophomore boys who were rehearsing a dance number. This is how it began. Bored because my digicam ran out of batteries, Tina approached the boys and asked them to teach her some of the steps. She then proceeded to do what I like to call The Twirly Butt Thing. It’s a sexy-ish dance step that involves butt rotation, and it looks great when a girl dances it to upbeat pop songs or hiphop songs, and a little gay when the opposite sex does it. I decided it was about time I learned how to do something that would make me look relatively attractive, but here’s the thing–I can’t dance to hiphop. I don’t know why. I’m not a good dancer to begin with, but I can move along decently to choreographed steps. Hip-hop? For some reason I can’t seem to get the flow of the steps, and I don’t understand how I can move my body to the beat of the music. Nonetheless, I was determined to learn The Twirly Butt Thingie.

Well, two hours later I rotated my hips so many times, I’m sure I was safe from the serious consequences of the heart-attack inducing sisig rice I had for lunch. But in spite of the tutelege of Tina and the sophomore boys, I still couldn’t get The Twirly Butt Thingie.

And then something horrible happened. Tina went over to Tzi-Tzi and Badong, who were rotting away in a corner of a room, and asked them to do The Twirly Butt Thingie. And you know what? They could do it. They could fucking do the move on their first try, and I have been trying for two hours but I still couldn’t get the logic of the whole hip-rotation, knee-bending thing. And they looked so cute while doing it too! Argh. I am a girl. I’m supposed to know how to do cute stuff like this. But hah, the irony of my life–two guys who don’t even dance have bodies that are more flexible than mine. That made me feel a little embarassed, and even more convinced that I really must be some sort of guy version of a girl. No wonder I can never get the guys I like to like me back.

“Umm, okay. Try to ignore the rest of your body and just concentrate on making circles with your ass,” Badong suggested. This is coming from a guy who listens to Metallica.

I gave up eventually and decided to amuse myself by watching the guys attempt to do the ocho-ocho. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that Tzi-Tzi and Badong could do tthe Twirly Butt Thingie and I couldn’t. Argh. I tried again once I arrived at the dorm (no one was around :p) and although I could sort of do it, it still didn’t make me look as sexy as Tina while she does it. So there. I am a hopeless case at dancing to hip-hop. Remind me to stay away from places like Whereelse (not that I ever go clubbing anymore).