Warning: melodramatic, self-pity crap up ahead
It’s strange; I’ve had a pretty good day. I had no classes at all, so I went to see American Wedding with Ponci, Kayelle, Tina, Migo, JR, and even did a little bit of shopping afterwards. But right now I feel so blah. I think the math long test I had at 6 pm today had something to do with it. I feel like crying but nothing is upsetting me. Well, not really. I think it might be just my moodiness kicking in. Or PMS, or the beginnings of insomnia, or loneliness.
Right now I feel like calling somebody and just talking about stuff. But you know what the irony is? I have all these people I hang out with at school. I have about a hundred numbers in my cellphone, and a hundred six Friendster friends. But I just can’t bring myself to call any one of them. I don’t feel like I’m close to them enough to start bombarding them with whatever’s going on inside my fucked-up head. Let me tell you all a secret (that can be read by the entire world, and possibly even the very people I have been keeping this secret from–but I don’t really care anymore): the truth is, I feel lonely in spite of all the company I have. I know we have some fun times and all but I wonder..deep down, do they even really care about me?
I have never told this to anyone either, but I am so incredibly jealous of all the people at school who seem to share this genuine bond with other people. It’s like, they’re so close, they already know each other’s life stories inside and out, and they are seriously going to be there for each other no matter what. I don’t know how they did it. I don’t understand why there’s not a single person I know out there that I can really talk to. I’m not ugly, and I don’t think I’m freaky enough to be classified as “untouchable” (at least, I don’t think I am). Maybe I’m just too shy to really open up to anyone. Maybe I’m afraid to let people get to know the real me (whatever the hell that is). Or maybe I’m just being too picky with the people I want to call “friends”.
What the hell are friends anyway? I mean, to call one a “friend”, do you have to hang out with that person all the time? Does s/he have to write you a glowing testimonial for your Friendster account or get you VIP passes to Oktoberfest parties? Is there any truth to the SMS people send me about their being my friend for life, someone I can run to whenever I have problems, blahblahblah? I don’t think so. You know it’s all just appearances, it’s all just for show. All those promises, compliments–they mean nothing. And I’m deathly afraid that it will be like this for the rest of my life. The rest of my college life, anyway.
I can’t stand pop songs, but that new Stacie Orrico song makes a lot of sense to me right now. Except I’m not applying it to life–more like friendship, if it even exists.
I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let go
There’s gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I’m…
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure… there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more
I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing
Than waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin’ like there’s something I missed…..
Nobody is up at this hour. After so many weeks of letting everything stay bottled up inside, I can finally let the floodgates down.
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6 Responses to “Warning: melodramatic, self-pity crap up ahead”
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Oh gee wiz… hun I feel like I can relate to everything you just wrote. I have the hardest time understanding friendship. I’m not really close to ANYONE. I just don’t understand why it’s so easy for some people yet hard for others, like me. But I guess I can say, hang in there. Maybe the right person will someday come along that you can tell everything to. Maybe it’s meant to be like that so you won’t somehow shut out somebody else who is actually genuinely a good person.
Like they say, good friends are hard to come by.
dang, lauren, i wish i could tell you how much that entry resonated w/ me.
i’m really questioning tonight the genuineness of ANY of my friendships… and you’re right, i have a bazillion ppl i could call, but i don’t want to call any of them. 
i feel like i’m sitting here wondering wtf is wrong w/ me. i used to be so fscking social… i dunno. maybe i’m just disillusioned w/ friends. life. everything.
hey lauren… i feel the same way, and have for a few years. it’s almost like once you realize it, you can never go back. i have “close friends” but truly i don’t consider any of them friends because i can’t get myself to open up to them completely, and view them as replaceable.
i think it’s a matter of wanting to open up. there are a lot of potential best friends out there, it’s just a subconscious choice we’re making not to seek them or make those connections. it should happen naturally, afterall.
i think you’ll meet a lot of good friends in your life. you’re a great person to know, and people will see that if they are worthy, or if they know what good qualities are. so i guess the best thing to do is just be patient.
you have jason.
hey there! i came across ur homepage n obviously have read ur journal.=) its all good ya’know.. i guess its normal to be feelin that way. i too have xperienced that n still am from time to time. uknow tha feelin that when u need someone tha most, even if it jst be one person, u cant seem to decide whose number to punch on that phone? the worst is feelin like a loser, when u feel like nothin’s goin on in ur life, and uknow that u’ve been good in this life..so anyway, i guess my point is, these kind of incidents are normal, dont worry cos i know ull find great friends. they may not be perfect, but ull feel that they compliment the best part in you Ütc..
I have good friends but not best friends, and I don’t really have a specific group of people that I always hang around with as a group. I don’t know, I think it’s just me; never trust or rely too much on others. But I wish, somehow, I had bestfriends and will always be there for me no matter what… you know, like in the movies –
I don’t even know you… but you’re so right…