Today I fought a war against the mirror

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it’s already Friday, the last day of my last week of regular classes. And guess what? I forgot to bring the camera again! I could’ve sworn I placed it in my bag last night, but I guess I must’ve been thinking of so many things that I only thought I placed it in there. At least Angelica brought hers, and if she ever gets around to having the film developed, by next week I’ll have my own copy of the pictures we took on our last day of regular classes. Our second to the last class for the day was P.E., and while we were dressing up everyone was getting really dramatic and saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe that this will be the last time we’ll ever wear our P.E. uniform together as a batch!” No comment there. P.E. was fun. I was chosen to play for my team (basketball) but I got replaced quickly because I started having a hard time breathing after a few minutes of running around.

Our P.E. teacher is this very non-emotional, tomboyish person and when she looked kind of sad when she said goodbye after class, a lot of my classmates had tears welling in their eyes. Whatever. I’m not going to miss high school very much, and I’m certainly not going to waste any tears over it. A lot of people know that I’m probably the only one looking forward to graduation, and they say I only feel that way because I didn’t study at CSR since preschool like a lot of them did. On the contrary, if I spent thirteen years studying at that for as long as they have, I’d be looking forward to graduating even more. I just can’t imagine myself going to the same old building, seeing the same old faces, for thirteen or fourteen years.

You know most of the time, I’m happy with the way I look. I don’t want to get thinner or fatter than I am at the moment, and I can’t imagine myself having another face than the one I have now. Unfortunately, today I was suffering from a rather bad case of low self-esteem. Today I felt rather ugly.

It all started after my Calculus test, first subject after recess. I finished early and for some reason I was so tired that I fell asleep after writing down the last number. When I woke up twenty minutes later, the first thing I did was reach for my compact and look at myself. And what did I see? Another pimple on my forehead, to add to the collection! Great. Just great. To make matters worse, our yearbook pictures were distributed during our next class. So that I wouldn’t look like a matrona like some of my batchmates did when they had their makeup done, I did my own makeup before the pictorial. I also had a lot of shots taken, and since I can be rather photogenic I was pretty confident that I would look good in at least one of them. Words cannot express how horribly disappointed I was when I was proven wrong. I’m not a very vain person, but when it comes to pictures I am very fussy. Pictures are forever, and I refuse to be haunted in the future by embarassing pictures of my ugly self. My yearbook pictures were just awful. My smile was so plastered on, there were so many shadows, and the angles were all wrong. I don’t even want to have copies made of my picture, but unless I want to get pictures of my friends I have to give them mine in return. You know the stuff they say about girls blooming when they’re sixteen, blahblahblah? Well I thought I would finally look good in the yearbook now that I had my braces removed and all. But when one of my classmates who saw my current yearbook picture said that my face looked changeless, I suddenly realized that sometimes I can still look like a dorky twelve year-old. Ugh.

After school I went to the mall with my mom and my sister. My mom was having my cellphone plan changed, and while waiting for her I decided to check out the swimsuits at Quicksilver. Out of boredom I tried on this really cute two-piece, thinking it would look nice on me because the bottom looked more like really short shorts than a panty. I was revolted when I saw myself in the mirror. I just couldn’t understand how the swimsuit looked so good on the mannequin but so awful on me. The two-piece showed off every single piece of flab and flesh that I would rather keep hidden under layers and layers and cloth. Not only that, but I felt so naked. I would never have the guts to go traipsing around the beach wearing that. It’s not about modesty. If I had Angelica’s figure I would wear the panty kind of two-piece bottom and a triangle bikini top with all the confidence in the world. Unfortunately I don’t have the tummy or the legs for that kind of swimwear; therefore I refuse to be so exposed in public.

After I left Quicksilver, I made up my mind to go on a popcorn diet. I’ll still eat regular meals minus rice and soda, and if I’m hungry in between I will snack on popcorn and nothing else. I want to go to the beach. I want to wear a cute two-piece, and I want a nice body. I know it’s really shallow, but right now I wish my figure would be just skin and bones with only a thin layer of flesh in between. Can I blame this on mass media? I dunno. I boycotted Candy and Seventee a long time ago, but my sister still buys them and when I’m really bored out of my mind I read them and compare myself to all the models. I believe that a beautiful face is nothing more than a beautiful accident. I have this rather pretty chinita classmate, but if you see her sister you wouldn’t think they were related cos she looks so plain. So my point is…I dunno. I wish I could’ve been a beautiful accident.