No one would love me if they knew all the things I hide

So yeah. I just got home from Greenbelt 3 and I really don’t know what I’m feeling right now. A little bit sad, I guess, but mostly I feel…numb. I dunno. I think I should do myself (and perhaps the rest of you) a really huge favor by forgetting about him. I mean, he’s a great guy but it’s useless. He feels nothing for me and even if he does, it wouldn’t mean much since he’s so far away. Oh well. I gave him the CD and felt like an idiot, but I didn’t really care about appearances anymore. I probably won’t see him again. So as far as I’m concerned, this part of my life is over.

Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t have a lousy time or anything. I enjoyed myself when I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t get to meet Aubrey cos I left after she arrived, which is a bummer. But I did meet up with Lui and she’s really cool. She reminds me a lot of my classmates in Spanish class back during the days when I was trying hard to be trilingual. I mean even if they’re in their twenties and all, I can still hang out with them without feeling out of place. Except when they start talking about work, of course. STill, even if they did talk about stuff I didn’t really know about, I could still listen to them and not get bored at all. Now that I remember those times, I kind of miss them. I should give them a call sometime. I dunno..I still find it strange how I feel more comfortable hanging out with people in their late teens or early twenties than people my age. I suppose that’s why I hardly get along with anyone in school.

Lui said something about how I’m like a really good writer. It’s like I don’t sound like I’m sixteen or something. Which kind of got me thinking…what exactly does the average sixteen year old girl think about or talk about? Boys? Parties? Makeup? I do my fair share of that, and I suppose I can be very self-absorbed like most girls my age. But I guess I just think of more stuff than they do and take them very seriously. Like at music class today, my music teacher (whom I think is an asshole) started talking about the end of the world. I can’t stand hearing about shit like that so I asked if I could leave the room. And he let me. A lot of people were giving me questioning looks as I made my way to the door, which I tried to ignore. When they asked me why I wanted to leave, I was like, “I just don’t like hearing about stuff like that. It depresses me.” Even though nobody said anything, I could tell they all thought I was weird or something. But I actually feel the same about them. How can they hear about the end of the world and not feel depressed about it?

I guess another reason why I’m feeling kind of sad and disappointed is now that I’m not “in love” (infatuated?), I don’t really have anything to look forward to at the moment. Except maybe graduation day. But it’s more than a month away from now and before that I still have to survive my finals, and do countless other projects. Not to mention a math quiz tomorrow. So there’s nothing really to look forward to, not in a long time anyway.

I need to go escape reality while I still can.