All in all it was a pretty nice day

I spent the whole day at a resort in Bulacan with several cast members of Aida and the whole experience wasn’t as bad as I anticipated it to be. I thought I’d feel left out or something because a lot of the girls there fawn over the guys and the weird-ass director, and I hate it cos they look like groupies and it’s like they’re this little clique. But I actually enjoyed myself today. I spent most of the morning swimming. I haven’t soaked myself in water and chlorine since two Decembers ago and I’ve become quite rusty. Even though I did a couple of laps, I felt like I was badly out of form. Not only that, but I also felt incredibly ugly. Well, not ugly really. More like highly unattractive compared to the girls I was hanging out with that morning. They all looked so good in their swimsuits. I looked like a hippopotamus trying to impersonate a teenage girl. I dunno. I don’t normally stress over my body; in fact there are times when I actually think that I need to gain weight. I suppose it’s cos exposing parts of my body that I don’t normally show to the rest of the world makes me feel quite awkward. The thing is, when I look at myself in the mirror at my room, I think I look good. But put me in a two-piece at a public pool, and I can totally see my flesh jiggle as I walk. It’s not a nice thing to see.

I spent the entire afternoon chilling inside one of the rooms at the resort with most of the seniors in the play. We talked, ate butong pakwan (watermelon seeds), and pretended to gang-rape whoever entered the room. It was crazy. I don’t like most of my batchmates, but those who are in the play are okay by me.

Kriya told me that she’s gonna be studying at La Salle after all. I’m real glad she decided to enter the real world like the rest of us. I also learned that there would be four other people from my batch who going to Ateneo next schoolyear. All of them are honor students who will be taking up management courses. I felt so un-geeky. I tried to room with one of them; maybe her vibes and study habits will rub off on me. But unfortunately, her dad didn’t allow her to stay in an off-campus dorm for her first sem. Damn.

So yeah..no gimmicks planned this weekend. I think I’m gonna go to bed early today. I hardly had any sleep last night, and it was too noisy in the room to get even a minute’s rest. I tried to take a nap in the bus but the ride was just way too bumpy and my seat was very uncomfortable.

Of attempted suicides and hair waxing

Today was definitely one of the more interesting school days I’ve had. At lunchtime a junior girl named Tetet tried to kill herself. And if I weren’t able to convince Angelica to hang out upstairs, I might’ve missed the entire thing. I don’t really know the entire story, but Tetet’s girlfriend is my batchmate Chen. They had a serious, dramatic, public fight, and then after that Chen broke up with her. Tetet got down on her knees, tugged on Chen’s skirts, and begged to give her one more chance. When Chen refused, she ran into her classroom, grabbed a cutter, and in spite of the crowd surrounding her and her friends who were trying to stop her, slashed one of her wrists in one single motion. It must’ve been a very deep cut, because there was blood everywhere. Tetet was rushed off to the hospital, her entire class was sent home after the incident, and my classmates were joking about a sacrificial lamb for our class so we’d all get sent home too.

I suppose I should feel sorry for Tetet, but I don’t. I think that what she did was very stupid. She obviously just slashed her wrist to get attention, or to make Chen really feel guilty for breaking up with her. I mean, what kind of person commits suicide in front of a crowd? She obviously just wanted to be in the spotlight. I heard from someone that she really has some sort of borderline disorder or something. Wonder what will happen to her after today. Chen’s obviously in big trouble because the teachers know the reason why Tetet slashed her wrist. And mutualism (same sex relationships) is a big no-no in my strict, Catholic school.

Hmm, now that kind of reminds me of the time Alex cut herself with a pair of scissors in front of me, Stephen and Chris a couple of years ago. She was depressed for some reason, and we went to her place to cheer her up. When we entered her room it was really dark, but you could still see that she was sitting on her bed topless. We were silent for several minutes; I guess we couldn’t think of anything to say. And then she started cutting her arm with the scissors. Not very deep cuts, just shallow ones. And I was quite shocked because I was only thirteen, and it was the first time I’ve ever seen somebody’s naked breasts other than mine.

Speaking of self-mutilation, I just discovered a healthy way to inflict pain on yourself in order to get your mind off things. It’s actually something only girls do. Guys can too I guess, but I’m sure ya’ll would rather do something more macho. Like beat up walls or people or something. So what am I getting at here? I’m taking about leg hair waxing. Yep. There are two ways you can do that: either you do it yourself with a waxing kit, or you have it done at the salon. The intensity of the pain is more or less the same, but I prefer doing it myself because pulling the wax strips off with my own hands feels more fulfilling.

The best thing I like about waxing–other than smooth, satiny feeling of my legs–is the knowledge that the tears springing into my eyes is caused by something else other than whatever I am stressing over at the moment. And the entire process is actually very symbolic. I like to think of the hair on my legs as the problem or person that’s been bothering me. And with one angry jerk of the wax strip–it’s gone. Sort of.

Yes, I’m weird, I know. But it’s not something I’d expect everyone to understand. Now if you’ll excuse me, my underarm hair wants waxing.

Remember that “vision” I had yesterday? I think I might know who that could be. Or I could be wrong…

Why does it always rain on me even when the sun is shining?

I guess the only single people in the barkada now are Angelica and me. This morning, Glyka told us excitedly that she and Ducky are already going out with each other. Ducky is this rather totoy-looking dude who is jologs and smaller than she is, but I guess if she really loves him then who am I to stop her? I felt thrilled when I heard the news and I jumped up and down and told her I was very, very, happy for her.

You know what’s weird? Every time I hear stories about people getting together or falling in love, I tend to feel jealous of the couple or that person. And it’s depressing because then I become more painfully aware of the fact that I often feel lonely when I’m not feeling heartbroken over some stupid asshole. But when I told Glyka that I was happy for her, I seriously meant it. I don’t know. I guess I’m not so bothered about being single anymore. I suppose it’s because I’m kind of swearing off love for now. I dunno…it’s just something I don’t really need at the moment. In the first place, I’m still far from convinced that the majority of straight guys out there aren’t jerks who look at women as walking, talking, fuck dolls. And I guess in spite of all my experiences, I still don’t know how to love or how to deal with someone who loves me.

In any case, I’m perfectly contented with myself and with whatever friendships I have right now. I don’t need some guy to make me feel (temporarily) happy and special.

We were supposed to watch this play at the Araneta Coliseum, and while I was sitting in the bus and staring out the window, I had a vision. Well, “vision” might not be the correct word to describe what I experienced back there. But here’s what it was like. The bus was still parked, and I was staring at the leaves of the tree that were squished against the window. And then out of nowhere, in my mind, I kind of saw who my next boyfriend (obsession? love?) would be. It all happened in a split-second, and I didn’t really get to see what he looked like. But he has this certain physical characteristic that can’t be found on just any guy. I don’t want to say what that characteristic is cos it might not come true. But it’s enough for me to recognize him when (if) I do see him. Whoever he is…I intend to find him. Or maybe somewhere, wherever he is, he had a vision of me at that exact moment. And I won’t have to look for him, because I’m much easier to find.

Ugh. When will I ever stop believing in happily ever after?!?!?