I don’t wanna die, but I’m not keen on living either

Report cards were given this afternoon and although my ranking is lower than usual I was so relieved to see that my grades have either improved drastically or stayed the same. They’re still painfully above-average, though. I shouldn’t have slacked off during my first grading period! I bet if I studied a bit more, I would have gotten better grades this quarter because my school follows a cumulative grading system. But oh well, I’ve got two more grading periods to improve myself.

Shit, two more quarters. I still find it hard to believe I’ll be graduating from high school in just a matter of months. In spite of all my complaints about being so sheltered in my small, conservative school, I’m really not sure if I’m ready to face the real world at all. My biggest fear is finding out that I didn’t make it to any of the schools I applied to, and ending up going to Assumption or something. Imagine–college high school style, complete with uniforms and nuns! *shudder* How could I have squandered away my opportunities to get really high grades in high school? I hate the kind of student I’ve become. I know I’m not an idiot, I really do. When I was four years old, I took an entrance test for first grade (meant for 6 year olds) by mistake and passed it. By then I could already play complicated pieces on the piano as well. But look. Twelve years later, I have become an average student who puts everything off until the very last minute and who also gets a grade of 83 in English because I always screw up during the periodical exam. Shit. What’s to become of my future if I end up going to a lousy college? I’d rather die. I mean, what’s the point of living a life of a mindless consumer and accomplishing nothing?

The gods love Nubians…our director doesn’t

I found out that one of my friends in school live in my neighborhood. I actually met her through the play cos we have the same roles, and then we found out that we were both in the Glee Club during rehearsals. Her name’s Angeli and she’s a junior. I never thought we’d be friends; I’ve always seen her around school and she looked a bit like a snob to me. But I was wrong because she’s really, really nice and down-to-earth. Apparently, Angeli only moved in the neighborhood early this year, which is a bummer cos if she came four years ago she could’ve hung out with me, Stephen and Chris. But then again, I don’t think she’s allowed to go out much cos her dad’s in the government and it’s not that safe for her. There was actually a bodyguard in her car when she dropped me home after rehearsals today..it felt kind of weird. I’m amazed she doesn’t seem to mind much, cos I’d hate being watched over all the time. I like being a private person. In that case, I’m glad my dad isn’t in the government, or a business tycoon or something.

I just realized that even though I like being in theater, I’m actually a lousy actor who has slight stage fright. Really. There’s this part where we have to sing a certain song the way those gospel singers do, and I just couldn’t bring myself to go wild onstage like that. I don’t like it when the director doesn’t tell me what exactly to do and I have to improvise. All I could do was sing and do small gestures and tried to hide the fact that I was trembling a little and breaking out in sweat. Our director was kind of in a bad mood today and kept shouting that we should set ourselves free and break our inhibitions, but the more he yelled the more I couldn’t do anything. Glaiza saw it though, and she said that I didn’t look so bad compared to the others. But I felt like a lousy actor, and I kept missing my cues for some reason…maybe I’m just tired.

Sounds too much like high school

Play rehearsals were fun today. We’re already done with half of Act One and everything looks great so far; the dance choreography is really cute. Somehow, I managed to insert myself in a couple of scenes as an extra–but a very visible extra. Thank God. I hate it when I’m only in the background of a really big picture. It’s almost as bad as not being there at all, specially when you’ve put a lot of time and effort on it. For some reason we won’t be having practice tomorrow. I was kind of disappointed because I really look forward to play rehearsals everyday, but I guess everyone needs a break sometimes.

Kriya and I saw Patsy at UAP yesterday before our entrance exam. We were both really surprised since she was the last person we expected to run into there. She was waiting with her mom and the odd thing was, she didn’t look changed at all. She’s still the same old cheerful Patsy who joked around with me at Glee Club practice exactly a week ago. How does she do it? If I got kicked out of school months before graduation, I bet I’d look worse than shit. Maybe Patsy’s real good at putting up fronts. I could tell that her mom was kind of sad, though…she didn’t smile much and hardly talked to us at all. Just three days of not seeing Patsy at school made me miss her a little. But today I heard that her sentence has been lifted; she’s only suspended for an indefinite period of time. Thank God! How horrible it is to have the rest of your life destroyed because of one silly mistake.

I’m not sure if I did well at my UAP entrance exam, but I don’t think I’d go there if I made it to the other universities I applied to. It does not look like a school at all; it looks like an office. Really. If there wasn’t a sign in front that says “University of Asia and the Pacific”, you’d swear you were in an office building. There’s like this really serious atmosphere all over the place, and it’s just buildings, buildings, buildings. Not much grass. I don’t want to be in an office environment; I want to be in a learning environment. Even worse than that is the dumb high-schoolish rule that you can’t wear sleeveless tops to class. I’m not kidding, it says so in my exam permits. “Examinees who are in sleeveless tops or shorts will not be allowed to take the exam.” Sounds a lot like a posh, coed version of my high school (the people who run UAP are Opus Dei). Umm, no thanks.

My baby cousin Matthew is sooooo adorable! I’m really not the kind of girl who fawns over babies and kids, but Matthew is an exception. The moment you lay your eyes on him, I swear, you will be lovestruck for ages. When I went to my cousins’ place yesterday, I felt like kidnapping him or borrowing him for a week or two. He grew a little since I last saw him two weeks ago, and he already knows how to smile now and make these gurgling baby sounds. Ahh! Why can’t I have a baby brother or sister?