Artificially two inches taller tonight

Bah, I’m sleepy. I just spent the past hour (half hour, I think) walking around U.N. Avenue with Anthony, christopher and my sister. My cousins’ mom, my Tita Belen, just gave birth this morning to this really beautiful baby boy. I’m not kidding. You know how newborn babies come out looking all bald and wrinkled and shriveled up? Well Matthew (that’s what my tita wants to name him–isn’t it great?) is really cute. His skin is fair and smooth and his eyes are so beautiful. Looking at him made me kind of wish I had a baby myself…except of course, without having to go through the nine months’ pregnancy and painful, painful delivery. Ugh. I cannot imagine myself pregnant, not ever. Of course, I do want to be a mom someday but just thinking about varicose vains and stretch marks and having to expose myself in front of a team of doctors–it’s not a very appealing thought. My mom and tita keep saying that the pain makes it worth it and I suppose it does, but I don’t know. For now, I think babies are really adorable and all, but I guess I’m really not responsible enough to actually take care of one.

Anyway, my cousins and I were kind of hungry so we went to McDonald’s for some grub. I had a McFloat and fries and now I feel so bloated. Anthony has the hugest appetite–he actually ordered a two-piece chicken meal. At 9:30 in the evening. God, where does he put all that food? It felt good to hang out with Anthony and chris cos I haven’t seen them in ages. Whenever my sister and I go to their place, they’re always somewhere else. For some reason we all decided to play basketball next summer. I mean, my cousins are jocks but my sister’s interest in basketball has been growing and now she wants to play. It sounds like fun, but I’ve never actually tried playing a real game. I wonder if I’ll be any good. Suddenly, I became painfully aware of the fact that I’m the shortest among them. And I was already wearing my platform sandals. Ugh.

Dad’s nagging me to go to bed now. As if I will automatically fall asleep the moment I lie down.

Right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real

Listening to: So I Fall Again - Phantom Planet

Annie called me last night to ask me if I was going to watch the Move & Groove competition at PICC at 1 pm today. It’s this inter-school dance competition and my school’s dance club joined. I was going to go because my P.E. teacher said we’d get extra points if we showed up, but then Kapst said you had to be there as early as nine am if you wanted good seats. I changed my mind immediately. If it were a Phantom Planet concert, I wouldn’t mind waiting the whole freakin’ day, but waiting that long just to watch a bunch of people dance is not worth it. Besides, I planned on spending time with Tita Lorna and my math notebook today. I told Annie that and she was like, “Oh, all right.” We babbled for another fifteen minutes or so about school and stuff.

“Are you sure you’re really not going tomororw?” Annie asked after a while.

“There’s about a 1% chance. I’m really not up to it right now,” I replied. “Are you guys going?”

“Yeah but see, that’s the problem. We don’t know where PICC is.”

“Oh, well it’s right across Folk Arts Theater.”

“I don’t know how to get their either.”

“CCP?”

“Nope.”

“Well, why not take a cab? I’m sure the driver will know where PICC is.”

“We thought about it, but then Kapst and I will be the only ones going early and the rest will follow later. The fare might be expensive and we really don’t wanna spend so much money tomorrow.”

“Hmm…I don’t know how else to help you then. I’m really not good at giving out directions.”

“Lauryn, pleeeeaaassee try to make it tomorrow,” Annie tried one last time.

“Well, if ever I do show up I’ll probably come at around noon. I don’t wanna wake up that early.”

“Umm, not to be a user or anything but see, we kind of need transportation and since you know where it is….”

Ugh, you have no idea how much that pissed me off! So that’s what they wanted. Not my company, but my car. What assholes. Now you see, the annoying thing about me is that I’m a nice person. When I’m angry, I never say exactly what’s on my mind because I stop and consider what the other person might feel if I say that. It’s dumb, but that’s what I do. So even though I wanted to scream, “Well if that’s what you wanted me to go all the way for, then no fucking way! What am I to you, your school bus? Go find someone else stupid enough to chauffer you there, bitch.” I controlled myself and said to her, “Sorry, but I highly doubt that I’ll show up tomorrow.” Nicely. Not even in a cold voice.

“All right. Well if you ever change your mind, just let us know, okay?”

“Sure.”

“Cool. Well I have to go call Mary Kaye. Bye.”

“See yah.”

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason my friends want me to go places with them is because I can provide transportation. Why the hell can’t I have friends who have their own cars?

Cloak me in cold darkness

Listening to: Shame - System Of A Down & Wu Tang

I seem to keep changing my mind at the last minute these days. This morning, Tracy and I decided not to go to Cue rehearsals anymore. Actually she wasn’t allowed by her mom to go today because she had to study for Math and Calculus, but last night I was thinking about not attending because I don’t want to take any bullshit from the theater gays for not knowing any of the choreography. I hate public humiliation and besides, I doubt that I can learn everything today. They must’ve choreographed all the songs by now. It’s such a shame cos I could’ve met so many guys. I actually already did, but I didn’t get to know them well enough to talk to them on the phone and stuff. But then again, college is only half a year away.

I spent some of my spare time today learning about the basics of meditation and a few Buddhist philosophies from my Tita Lorna. I never realized that meditation could be so relaxing. I always wondered why anyone would want to sit with their eyes closed for a long time. Now I know. I like the silence of my mind, devoid from all its thoughts, and the darkness and colors that float past my eyes. Note to self: meditate at least once a day. I wish my aunt were staying longer than a week because there’s a lot I wanna learn about Buddhism. The cool thing about Buddhism is that I don’t have to leave the Catholic church if I want to follow some of the teachings of Buddha. Sometimes I don’t like being Catholic because it’s too ritualistic and there are so many dogmas. And the way I’m kind of forced to pray all the time in school. It used to bother me a lot, but now I don’t really think much about it anymore. At the same time I don’t think I want to convert to another religion. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and there must be a reason why I was baptised a Catholic at birth. So I guess I’m going to be a half Buddhist, half Catholic now. I hope I don’t become too confused.

I hate dysmenorrhea. Stupid-ass cramps.