My heart is cold and I believe nothing’s gonna change until I’m broken

August 2nd, 2002 with 245 views

From tomorrow until I feel like removing it, my journal will be password protected in a different site. Someone who wasn’t supposed to know found my online journal, therefore I cannot write with that person reading my entries (if you know who you are, I hope you feel bad). Apparently, my website wasn’t as well-hidden as I thought it was, and there is a lot of incrimminating stuff here about certain people. Besides, it’s kind of hard to write what I really want to say now that a lot of my offline friends read my website. Hence the password. Anyone who cares to know what the password is can e-mail me, but if you’re from the Philippines (unless you’re one of the regulars) you might have a hard time getting it from me because I’m going to be extremely careful this time.

See, some people claim to know me based on what they read in my journal. They think they know me inside and out, just because they read about what I do and think every single day of my life. But what a lot of these people tend to forget is that I am a writer. This journal is an exercise in writing and at the same time, an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I invent things in my head a lot; I tend exaggerate events to make them more exciting and entertaining. How do you know that what I am writing here is for real? How can you say that they aren’t just mere figments of my imagination? You can never be 100% sure of what my exact feelings are, what my exact thoughts are, and if the events in here are written exactly as how they happened. You can’t even be sure if the characters are real, or if I am for real. Yes, I suppose you can call me a liar. Or maybe a delusioned girl, who daydreams too much to escape from the harsh realities of life. The point is, none of you know who I really am. Maybe nobody in this world does. So stop judging me.

I don’t really care what anyone thinks, but I’m only human. A sensitive one at that. What people say gets to me sometimes.

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14 Responses to “My heart is cold and I believe nothing’s gonna change until I’m broken”

  1. Claire on August 3, 2002 12:14 am

    gosh lauryn, i’m sorry that some who wasn’t supposed to find this journal, did.

  2. DJ FMF on August 3, 2002 12:40 am

    lauryn you are right about what you are saying. no one knows who you really are, all we know the readers, the chatters, the e-mailers… all we know is what you tell us or write about in you journal. what i will say right now i hope you take to the heart. the internet itself gives us the power to be anyone we want to be, even our own regular self. i can’t believe who you are online just by pictures or a journal , you could be playing someone else… and the same goes for me too. but some people will play other people for certain reasons, some for good and some for bad. i find your writing a triump in your life so far because its something to be proud of. one of these days i want to write a diary on a cd of my life serving in the navy so they know what its like to be one of them. i think we should all be aware of the people we know online itself and the things we express over the net before its found in the wrong hands… right???

  3. diane on August 3, 2002 12:51 am

    that’s too bad. aren’t you being a little contradictory tho with what you wrote? if you’re saying that nobody can really claim to know who you are just by reading your journal, then why do you need to hide it? like what you said, you may be telling the truth or not and that’s up to you entirely if you want to do that, but why would it then matter to you what people think? by hiding your journal, it’s just kind of like you’re letting them think that they are right with whatever they’re supposing about you.

    anyway, i just thought i’d write that… journals are meant to be YOUR outlet anyway and yours alone, so i reckon it might be a good idea to to keep it to yourself and a few select.

    i’ve been tempted heaps to have an online journal, but i had to be real with myself and admit that my motivation was that i just wanted people to think i was cool (that’s just me though) so i’ve stuck with the traditional means and keep a paper journal.

  4. Connie on August 3, 2002 01:45 am

    {{{Lauryn}}} This sucks so bad, I am so sorry. After all the effort you are putting into this. I do hope too that these people feel very bad. I password protected my journal for a while too, and I felt lots better. I hope you don´t decide to remove it. Email is one the way.

  5. iris on August 3, 2002 05:28 am


    hey lauryn..that sucks..well i’ve been reading ur journal for a while now and i hope a password won’t stop me from reading it(don’t worry i’m not from philippines)..my days won’t be the same..and yes u are an awesome writer…

  6. jess on August 3, 2002 12:06 pm

    I’m sorry Lauryn *hugs* If there is anything I can do about this tell me and I’ll try to fix it (if aletia stops being a pain in the ass!)

  7. lauryn on August 3, 2002 03:25 pm

    Thanks everyone. ^_^ Once I set up the password script, I’ll explain the real reason why it’s gonna password protected. I’ve decided not to password protect my entire journal, just a few entries that I don’t want certain people to read.

  8. Ania on August 3, 2002 06:09 pm

    Poor Lauryn!!!!!!!!!!!I feel so sorry for you:o(Can I have the password as well????I luff you so much!!! TAKE CARE

  9. bill on August 4, 2002 05:53 am

    yeah, poor little girl!!! don’t take it so hard on you babe. you’re making this stuff of yours too serious. why not shut it down for good and do the traditional journal like what diane did. you don’t have to tell the world how great you are because when you fail you might not be able to handle it. and you said that the journal serves as an outlet. yes it is. an outlet to show the world how great and smart you are. but in truth you are just one of the many dumb people in the world like me!!!! and by the way i’am from the philippines and i don’t speak straight english. just to inform your dumb*ss. this site is full of bulls***.

  10. chief on August 4, 2002 07:54 am

    i’ve seen pictures of your family. your dad, your sis, including many pics of your kitty. but i haven’t seen a picture of your Mom. where is she… im sure you have one!!!

  11. lauryn on August 4, 2002 08:32 am

    my mom’s pics http://gallery.the-protagonist.net/gallery.cgi?Category=23. And in one of the photos of my trip to Thailand at http://raurinu.lethien.com

  12. dadadf on August 29, 2002 11:47 am

    comment

  13. BLOGGED ---at the-protagonist.net on December 31, 2002 10:31 pm

    [...] net/index.php?p=135″>I’m so naive and ignorant password protecting my journal [...]

  14. justbeinghonest on August 26, 2005 07:20 pm

    there are so many things we do that makes life so pathetic..be honest with yourself…write what you want and do not make other’s view a top priority. i can sense that some of the comments are made by who else? but you…it is obvious..girl i’ll be willing to help..im sorry but i have to be honest…cheer up girl..enjoy life and be true to yourself

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