Breathe in the night that crushed a tired subrise

I watched Amelie, a French movie, this afternoon while I was at the mall to buy some toiletries for my retreat. My mom wanted to see Minority Report but I wasn’t really feeling up to it, and sci fi isn’t really my thing, even though Tom Cruise is there. Besides, I’ve read a short synopsis of Amelie and I thought it might be a good movie because she reminded me a bit of myself, though I’m really not one to go so far to fix up other people’s lives. I really love that movie–the cinematography is excellent, the characters were very unique and the situations were very funny. I can relate to Amelie a lot because I’m also a little bit antisocial, and in lots of ways too. For example: I have a very vivid imagination, and I usually pay attention to little details in movies more than the characters. She does that too. There was this part when she sitting on the roof of her flat, and wondering how many couples were having orgasms at that very moment. It surprised me when she said that, not because I’m conservative or anything but because I also thought the same thing once. Actually, it was more like, “How many people in the world are having sex right this very minute?” But wow. I love it when I can really relate to a character in a movie or book. Reading the subtitles became a bit of a pain though because I tend to pay more attention to them more than the movie itself. But the French made the movie really genuine and besides, I kinda like the sound of spoken French.

I’m leaving for my retreat tomorrow and will be back on Wednesday afternoon. For those of you who don’t know what a retreat is, I’ll explain it to you since I don’t really have anything else to talk about. A retreat is when you go to a retreat house (a dormitory-like building) for a couple of days, and then a priest or a lay person gives seminars on how to improve your spiritual life and your relationships with others. Most people in my school like having retreats because it means spending 72 hours away from home with your friends, but I don’t. Not only do I have to be stuck with my batchmates for two and a half days, but I’m also not allowed to talk to my friends much and to bring my Discman and my CDs. It’s because we’re supposed to disconnect ourself from the hubbub of real world, and it’s a sacrifice or something. You aren’t allowed to bring cell phones either but I’m bringing mine anyway. It’ll get confiscated and returned before graduation if I get caught but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. What if we get hijacked or something and our teacher’s phone (the only person allowed to bring one) suddenly stops working and we can’t call for help cos nobody has a cell phone with them? I’m not one for being paranoid, but you can never tell if something like that might happen. I do intend to live and go to college, you know.

During retreat time, you also write palanca letters to your friends and whoever else you want. It’s a letter that says what you think of that person, but nobody has the guts to tell anyone what they really think anyway. I usually write my friends only, but some of my batchmates write letters to the entire batch which is pretty dumb. Who wants to get a letter full of nonsense just for the sake of having written letters to everyone? I’m writing more letters this year though, because it’s our last year in high school and what the hell. If any one of the batchmates that I like become famous, at least they can say that I wrote them a palanca letter once.

Well, I gotta make sure my stuff’s all complete. I hope the retreat doesn’t suck so much.

Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

I just came back from a Friendship Day party at the Instituto Cervantes. At first, I wasn’t really up to going because I had a lot of palanca letters to write but after awhile, I decided that going anywhere would be better than just staying at home. Today was one of those times where I wished I knew how to dance. I mean, I know how to dance but I’m really quite sucky at it. Later on in the evening there were playing these tango songs, and all the girls looked really sexy dancing it. There was this one Spanish couple that danced really well; I had my eye on them the entire time they were dancing. The girl was so tall and beautiful she must be a model, and the guy was absolutely drop-dead handsome. I thought that if I could move as sexy as she does and have a guy I like enough to dance tango with and move sexy for, I’d feel like a real woman. But like I said, I cannot sway my hips to save my life. The dancing seemed like fun though, so I managed to ask one of my Spanish classmates to do the swing with me. I don’t know what his name is, but he’s very good at swing. It took me awhile to get the rythym and stuff but after a couple of minutes I was all right. But when he tried to do some fancy stuff with me, I just couldn’t catch on. What to do next confused me, and after awhile I let him dance with another girl. Maybe I’ll take some tango classes someday though. Just so I can learn to move my hips sexily like that.

You know how people travel to different countries, and then after a couple of days or weeks they start missing the sights and sounds of home? For some reason, the exact opposite for me. When I’m at home and doing nothing in particular, or when I hear a certain song or smell a certain smell, I suddenly become travelsick. There was this body mist I bought in Canada a couple of years ago, and whenever I take a whiff of it I suddenly wish I was back in Toronto, freezing of the cold. And this afternoon when I was in the car, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (Neutral Milk Hotel) played on the stereo. I listened to that song about a hundred times during my trip, and when I heard it today I began to miss Bangkok terribly. It felt as bad as a broken heart, I’m not kidding. Travelling is the best. I love airports and the way they smell, and although plane rides make me a bit nervous, I love looking outside airplane windows even though there’s nothing to look at but clouds. There’s nothing so exciting as stepping on foreign soil and walking through unfamiliar streets, tasting exotic food and watching the locals go about their normal, everyday routines. I really hope I do get to become a diplomat because there’s no way in hell I’m just staying here for the rest of my life. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I just gotta keep moving, and moving, and moving.

It’s good to know that you all know I’m hurting

I think that one of the worst traits that I have is that I am a sore loser. I hate competing and I hate it even more when I lose. I get mad when I lose at ping-pong, at Tekken, or at Election of Club Officers.

In my school, we have Club Activity Day on every last Friday of the month. Fortunately (or unfortunately), my barkada (if you can still call us that) all got in the Explorers Club, a.k.a. the Science and Math Club. I hate Math and I hate Science even more, but Kriya’s been a member of that club ever since freshman year and she says it’s a lot of fun cos you get to go camping and have lots of interactions with other schools. Hope I meet lots of cute guys. Since most of us were first-timers who picked the Media Club as our first choice, Kriya got elected as class president. I’ve been campaigning for PRO (Public Relations Officer) ever since this morning because “PRO of the Science and Math Club” would look rather impressive in the yearbook. I was quite sure that I’d win because all my friends said they’d vote for me and besides, seniors usually become club officers anyway.

When asked for the nominations for PRO, Maricris raised her hand and got called first. To my surprise though, she nominated Michelle for PRO! God, I was so pissed! What a fucking traitor. The thing about Maricris is that although she gets good grades, if you’re an influential friend she’ll do whatever you tell her. I mean whatever. And for some reason, Michelle loves stealing my wind and competing with me. I noticed that throughout the elections, Michelle kept going to where Maricris was to tell her stuff. So that’s what they were talking about. They came up with a plan to humiliate me, when I already felt lower than low in my stupid high school.

Thankfully though, neither of us won; a junior got the position. But still! It of hurt my pride, and I remained in a bad mood for most of the day. Not because I lost, but because there are so many hypocrites in this stupid world. Denilou did confirm my suspicions though; she said for some reason, she feels that Michelle seems to becompeting against her and me too. She likes to flaunt that she chooses to confide in Maricris and stuff. For example, she’d say in a really loud voice, “Hey Maricris, I’ve got a secret but I’m only gonna tell you and nobody else.” Angelica also said that one time, Michelle remarked that I was the exact opposite of her. What the fuck did she mean by that? That I’m unpopular (which I’m not ashamed to admit) or something? Well, I may be that but at least I don’t go out with girls or have Bosconians stalking me and annoying me. I told Denilou I wanted to confront Michelle about this, but she doesn’t want me to tell a single soul. I don’t have a choice; Denilou is a very good friend and besides, I promised. I hate suffering in silence! But if I tell anyone she’ll never talk to me again (I’m already telling the whole world, but I think she meant anyone in school).

To think that my retreat’s on Monday already. Three whole days with my batchmates! I can’t stand it…