I don’t think you like me; well I hate you as well

Although I expected my last day as a junior to be somehow happy to make up for almost an entire school year of bad memories, nothing very significant happened today. In fact, today was as lousy as the rest of my junior year. I went to the mall with my friends after my finals, saw Shallow Hal for the second time and then just sort of roamed around afterwards. About an hour after I got home, Glyka called me up to say that she couldn’t make it to my birthday celebration on the 15th because she’d be going to Cotobato with her family. I thought that was all she wanted to tell me, and I was impatient for her to hang up cos I was feeling pretty tired.

And then she went like, “Umm, Lauryn, I have something to tell you that you deserve to know. Since it’s the end of the school year, it probably won’t matter anyway. But promise me you won’t get mad…” Sure enough, those words started to make me feel real nervous. Naturally, I expected it to be about someone who’s annoyed at me for the way I speak English or something else shallow like that. The usual. But it took her some time before she could tell me that I wanted to explode. Anyhow, it turns out that I wasn’t being paranoid for a reason. Glaiza, Kapst and the rest of their little circle of critics really were annoyed at me talking about me behind my back. I don’t remember doing a single bloody thing to them, except stop hanging out with them. But I only did that when I felt that they had something against me, and what kind of person would want to be around with people who don’t like them?

Glyka told me everything they said, and I was really crying as we spoke. She doesn’t know the real reason why they were annoyed at me, except for a vague explanation about how my personality changed ever since I joined the school play. I stopped hanging out with them as much as I used to, and they were wondering if I was mad at them or what. But the day I did that was the day I tried out for the school play. When I came in the classroom after the auditions, there was some sort of tension in the air. Glaiza, Kapst, etc. sat in a circle and talked in hushed voices. They didn’t look at me when I came in and I had a very strong feeling that they had been talking about me. And I was right. While I was in the auditorium making a total fool out of myself, the Chiqs were saying some really mean stuff about me within earshot of The Little Circle of Critics. And they didn’t even defend me; as a matter of fact, that’s when they started criticizing me.

One of the things they said about me was about the way I dressed back during my punk phase. That came from Glaiza. So what if I wear clothes no one else has the guts to wear? That’s not her problem anymore. I’m not sure why else they were annoyed at me, but I’m sure it’s about something else as shallow as that. It pisses me off that they never had the courage to tell me those things to my face. And what makes me even more pissed is how they always fail to look at themselves when they criticize others. I’d rather dress like a freak than have armpits so hairy, they’re often mistaken for virgin forests. I think the reason why Kapst in particular, loves to criticize others is because she has zero self-confidence. Ranting about everybody else’s flaws probably gives her ego points or something. God, these people are freaks. I hope they won’t be my classmates next year. Not that what they think of me really matters since they aren’t my friends anymore, but I’d like to have at least one happy year in my stupid school. How I wish I didn’t invite Glaiza to my birthday. Maybe I can start a conversation about how people can be so fake and yet so cowardly as to not tell others what they really think of them. I hope she feels very uncomfortable.

Interesting thing Glyka also observed about me: “You know when you’re in school, you don’t say much. You just sit there and listen. You don’t even laugh much. But when we go out, like that time we went to the CSA fair or this afternoon, you’re noisy and hyper and so much fun. You look so much happier. It’s like you’re two different people. The silent Lauryn when you’re in school, and the fun Lauryn when we’re outside.” But how can I be happy in an environment where I’m surrounded by the most shallow people on earth? I’m tired of being myself, my classmates are too primitive to understand me. I’d rather shut up and not deal with their stupid side comments.

You know, you don’t graduate from high school; you survive it. One more year of misery. I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.