You say you care, but do you?

I didn’t have a very good day today. I felt rather depressed early this afternoon because my so-called “friends” (meaning Glaiza, Kapst and even Maricris, who used to be *so* nice) were totally ignoring me the entire day. They weren’t rude to me or anything, but they don’t include me in their plans anymore. Hell, they don’t even include me in their conversations anymore. It’s very depressing when the people you thought were your friends don’t like you anymore for reasons you don’t know. And it’s even more depressing when everybody else in your class dislikes you on top of that, and you have nobody else to go around with.

I attended cheerleading practice since we weren’t doing anything in the auditorium. And it was like, I was a ghost. At first, nobody noticed that I was there. Just as I was about to leave, Glyka spotted me and we talked a bit. But at that point I was already feeling rather low so I left soon after that. Then I locked myself in a cubicle in the girls’ room and cried for the longest time. I found it all totally unfair. I’m a simple person, really. All I want in life is to be happy and to be loved, and I can’t even get that. I wished myself dead, not really suicide, but that God would do what He wants with my soul and leave my body sprawled lifeless on the toilet seat. I’m not sure how long I stayed like that but after a while, I realized that they might be looking for me in the auditorium to rehearse or whatever. So I went inside, crept towards the back where it wasdark and resumed my pity party. And then stretched on three seats, I fell asleep.

I think sleeping is the best temporary cure for depression. When you’re asleep, you have no worries, no problems. So it really pissed me off when I woke up because my right side was getting numb. I was still feeling down but not as bad as I was a few minutes earlier. I grew tired of sitting in the dark so I decided to reinstate myself into the world of the living. I went to join the others and pretended that nothing was wrong with me. I’m very good at pretending I’m fine when I’m really not–nobody suspected a thing. I should go join the goddamn Repertory.

I expect tomorrow to be no better than today, and I’m completely dreading going to school. Isn’t that awful, to fall asleep at night with that thought of dread and to wake up in the morning not feeling any better? I really don’t get it. I mean, I pray to God and stuff, but I still don’t understand why I live in such a prolonged state of unhappiness. Jesus, this journal is becoming one of those melodramatic, suicidal rantings that people read to piss themselves off. Then again, why should I care? I can write whatever I want after all.