Just when I thought I’m okay

Rehearsals were tiring as usual, and the sucky part was that the guys didn’t even show up today. My crush’s name is Michael, not Macky, by the way. But whatever, he’ll be there tomorrow.

I kind of have this problem with myself, cos sometimes I don’t feel like I belong with anyone. Like, when I chill with someone I’m not that close to, I feel like deep down they probably don’t want me around and are just forced to deal with me. Perhaps I’ve been traumatized by my previous experiences. People–girls, in particular–can be really vicious. And even though I look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out what is it about me that might make people dislike me, I can’t think of any reason why people might not want me around. But despite that, I still can’t help but feel rather uncomfortable and wary around people I don’t know well. Well I can’t just sit there and feel sorry for myself. So even though it took me great effort, I forced myself to become a social creature today and have conversations with the other cast members of the play. It wasn’t actually that bad, but after awhile I ran out of people to talk. Since I felt rather stupid just sitting there by myself, I borrowed someone’s sleeping bag and took a nap. *sigh* I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m afraid this might carry on for the rest of my life and I’ll end up dying totally unremembered in my old age.

Oh yeah, I’ll be going to Germany this summer. I wasn’t actually surprised to hear the news from my mom, like I was already expecting it to happen. But I’m happy though; it beats staying at home and dying of boredom and the heat.

I’d like to write more but my eyelids are getting heavy and I need some beauty sleep so I can feel good about myself tomorrow.