If somebody cares then there’s no way I can tell

I’m feeling a little bit moody right now when I really should be happy. *sigh* I guess I’m pretty upset with the fact that my social status is dangling precariously at the edge of a cliff more than anything else. I know for a fact that a lot of people are irritated with the fact that I feel indifferent to the cheerleading practices. And I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid, but it seems to me like my friends are feeling a tad bit irritated at me or something. It’s just this vibe I get from them. At lunch time today after the auditions for the school play (which I will tell you in detail later), I went back in the classroom to cool off because it was sooo hot in the auditorium. Kapst and my other friends were sitting in a circle talking in hushed voices. I know they saw me come in but not even Maricris or Glyka asked me how my auditions went. And their voices were really hushed and all of a sudden I had the suspicion that they were gossiping about me. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, I don’t know. But for the past couple of days I feel like they’ve been kind of avoiding me. I mean, they never approach me anymore and I find myself slowly but surely drifting away from everybody I used to be so close to.

*sigh* I’ve almost come to the conclusion that I’m just one step higher than being a high school outcast. It doesn’t really surprise me cos that’s all my social status has ever been. I don’t know if the problem lies within me or within the people at school. I guess I’m not very good at adapting to an environment different from the one that I’m used to. But I’m really sick of always being the one who has to adapt to everyone else. Why can’t they just get used to me? Is the term “being yourself” a totally alien concept to them? I like being myself. I like being honest about what I think of other people. But everybody else doesn’t. Everybody hates me for it. And I just don’t understand.

I auditioned for the school play late this morning. We had to go on stage one by one and sing a song, and then after that the director would teach us a dance and we’ll have to repeat it for him by group. The director is a friend of Tracy’s, 21 years old with a really *hot* body. I was like, staring at him for a long time and before I knew it, lots of people knew about my tiny crush on him. How could I not stare? He was wearing a black, sleeveless, fitted thing that totally showed off his well-built yet slim body! Well to make a long story short, I fucked up my audition. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I got a really bad case of stage fright. My voice was barely audible because of my nervousness and when I dragged my ass back to my seat, I consoled myself with the thought that I was never really meant for Broadway anyhow and that I am probably better off playing the electric guitar than singing and dancing. After thinking of that for five minutes, I already accepted the fact that he wouldn’t pick me for the play. Damn, and he would’ve been a pretty good inspiration too. Oh well, there was still the dance audition even though I can’t dance to save my life.

It turns out that the director decided to accept everybody who auditioned and then remove those who are always absent or those who can’t follow the choreography. Rehearsals started this afternoon until six p.m. and I came home feeling really tired. It wasn’t that bad; to my surprise, I learned the dance steps quickly and easily. The only setback to everything was that I didn’t really know anyone there. Well, Michelle and a couple of my batchmates were around but they’re tight friends with the other people who joined the school plays before. And you know how bad I am with people I don’t know. I can approach them, but I can never think of anything interesting or witty to say to keep the conversation going. Perhaps the problem does lie within me…