Again it goes unnoticed

School was all right..nothing special as always. I think I might be slipping into one of my antisocial moods again. Lately I haven’t been feeling too comfortable around people. It’s like…I don’t really feel like being around anybody, but after awhile I start feeling awkward cos everybody in the room’s talking to somebody while I just sit there by myself and pretend to sleep. I find it very strange how I’d rather stay silent than talk, and when I do want to talk I can never find the right things to say to people. Even when I’m around my friends, I feel like I don’t know them. Or like they don’t know me. And that neither of us really cares. Whatever…I’m a loner dottie a rebel.

I’m also feeling kind of down because Glyka says she’s not sure she can make it to the Pulp Rock Awards next Saturday, and she’s like the only one among my friends who appreciates rock music. The rest of my friends would rather go to the Side A concert in Don Bosco on Friday…whatever!!! I’m dying to go to the Pulp Rock Awards and I don’t know what to do if Glyka won’t be able to come!! Well actually, I know two groups of people I could go with should Glyka not show up but I’m not exactly looking forward to chilling with them. might be there since she and her friends like Sandwich. And I get along with them pretty well but I dunno how I can meet up with her and knowing them, they’ll probably show up really late. The Chiqs will be there, of course, since they are die-hard Slapshock fans. But then I’d rather be trampled on by a mob of crazy, white-trash mosh pitters than go to the Rock Awards with them. This is the huge disadvantage of going to such a dinky, little, all-girls school. No diversity at all! *sigh* Well it’s not yet completely hopeless, I’ve got more than an entire week. And I hope Glyka’s mom will change her mind by then!

I’m thirsty.

You fall down too many times to mention

I can’t believe that it’s only Monday and that I have four more excruciating days of school to survive, four more days of interrupted dreams. Today was all right, and I’m happy to report that I’m a lot better than I was last night. I realized this afternoon that I’m probably better off than some people are. I came home today to find Alex waiting for me outside my house. At the exact moment I saw her, I remembered that today is her eighteenth birthday. And I totally forgot! I wondered what she was doing at my place today, of all days. So I got down from the car and called out happy birthday to her. She wasn’t too happy today though; she said she needed someone to talk to so I invited her in. My teachers didn’t give me any homework today for once, and I didn’t mind having company at all.

We sat in the den and she apologized about a million times about coming over today. “I had no one else to go to,” she said. I assured her it was no problem at all since I had nothing to do today anyway. After making some small talk about school, she then proceeded to tell me about all the stuff that’s been bugging her for days now. Stuff about her mom, and stuff about her social life. Based from what she told me, it sounds like her mom’s kind of insecure around her. She prefers Alex to dress like a tomboy rather than wear girly clothes because she doesn’t want her to look “too pretty”. She isn’t allowed to go to parties or the like. And even if she was, she wouldn’t have any to go to. She’s a loner at school, and I don’t think she has any other friends other than Stephen, myself, Chris and two other girls. I don’t think she tells anybody this kind of stuff except me. Even though Stephen is her best friend, I know that guys don’t really like hearing about girls’ problems. And the two other girls she’s friends with aren’t so close to her. It made me feel sorry for her, but then I got an idea. I suggested that maybe if she stopped dressing like a tomboy and fixed herself up a little, she’d feel better about herself. She’s already eighteen, for crying out loud! I’m probably not the best person for this but since she desperately needed it, I offered to help give her a makeover and change her wardrobe. She told me she’d think about it..oh well, it’s really up to her. You know, Alex would look really pretty if she gets her hair cut up to her shoulders in layers, slims down a bit and then dresses up in girly clothes. But of course, it’s her choice if she wants to stay the way she is or if she wants to try something new. I told her to just text me or whatever should she need my help, and she looked really grateful when I said that.

It must be so awful to have nobody to talk to in school, and to have so little friends. Even though my own friends don’t understand me, they at least tolerate my oddities. And despite our differences, I’d probably still get a pretty big bunch of people to attend my 18th birthday. Perhaps I shouldn’t whine too much.

Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

I didn’t do much in the afternoon except play my guitar, watch a little TV, go to the cemetery, go to Starbucks and then come home to my guitar again. It’s just another Sunday, but I’m glad it’s not stressful or anything. God knows I’ve already got enough things to worry about the rest of the week.

I’ve noticed that for every day that I am happy, I will have a day where I feel sad. Just awhile ago I wasn’t feeling too cheerful (for the record, I still don’t feel any better). Out of the blue I suddenly reminded myself that I don’t get along with most of the people in school. Normally that doesn’t really bother me but today it made me feel depressed. Then I remembered certain things I don’t like about myself. I once observed that there must be some quality I have that makes people feel awkward around me. When Michelle and I had a three-way conversation with this guy from Don Bosco, he told her later on he felt really awkward because I was around. Also, I never know what to say around people I’m not close to. I don’t have much of a sense of humour; I find certain things funny but I never crack a joke myself. So I just keep quiet, which is probably why I don’t have that many friends. And I don’t understand why I can’t relate to my friends most of the time, or why they can’t relate to me. I find the things they talk about too trivial. They find my opinions and the things that I like too weird. You know, stuff like that. And the more I thought of these things the more terrible I felt.

Then I decided to write a song about it since it might make me feel better. But it sounded too angsty, like I had nothing to do with the rest of my time except pity myself. So I ripped it up, which made me feel worse. I felt like disappearing into thin air. Or running away from the kind of life I live, join a band, become a rock star and never look back. But of course I can’t do that. I’m not that crazy, not yet anyway. I needed to distract myself. So here I am.

If Annie calls me one more time to remind me about her CD, I will smash the phone into a million tiny pieces.