Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

I didn’t do much in the afternoon except play my guitar, watch a little TV, go to the cemetery, go to Starbucks and then come home to my guitar again. It’s just another Sunday, but I’m glad it’s not stressful or anything. God knows I’ve already got enough things to worry about the rest of the week.

I’ve noticed that for every day that I am happy, I will have a day where I feel sad. Just awhile ago I wasn’t feeling too cheerful (for the record, I still don’t feel any better). Out of the blue I suddenly reminded myself that I don’t get along with most of the people in school. Normally that doesn’t really bother me but today it made me feel depressed. Then I remembered certain things I don’t like about myself. I once observed that there must be some quality I have that makes people feel awkward around me. When Michelle and I had a three-way conversation with this guy from Don Bosco, he told her later on he felt really awkward because I was around. Also, I never know what to say around people I’m not close to. I don’t have much of a sense of humour; I find certain things funny but I never crack a joke myself. So I just keep quiet, which is probably why I don’t have that many friends. And I don’t understand why I can’t relate to my friends most of the time, or why they can’t relate to me. I find the things they talk about too trivial. They find my opinions and the things that I like too weird. You know, stuff like that. And the more I thought of these things the more terrible I felt.

Then I decided to write a song about it since it might make me feel better. But it sounded too angsty, like I had nothing to do with the rest of my time except pity myself. So I ripped it up, which made me feel worse. I felt like disappearing into thin air. Or running away from the kind of life I live, join a band, become a rock star and never look back. But of course I can’t do that. I’m not that crazy, not yet anyway. I needed to distract myself. So here I am.

If Annie calls me one more time to remind me about her CD, I will smash the phone into a million tiny pieces.