Here we go now one more time

Denilou is mad at me again but this time I don’t really care anymore. If she wants to be pissed at me, it’s her choice–I’ve had it with her. Allow me to start from the beginning…a few weeks ago the barkada and I were talking about our suspicion that the reason why Michelle is with Patsy is because she wants to get in the Chiqs. It really seemed that popularity was her intention because she rarely talked to us anymore. At the height of my ire towards Michelle I told this to Kapst and Rajelyn. A few days later, however, I wasn’t feeling so annoyed at her anymore because Michelle was obviously trying to make an effort to be close to us again. I quickly forgot about the incident and never gave it a second thought until this morning. Maricris and I were eating at the cafeteria when Denilou slammed her stuff on the table. “I need to talk to you both. Especially you,” she said, glaring at me.

Raising an eyebrow, I was positively clueless about what I had done to piss her off. Denilou then went on to narrate that last week, she and Michelle talked and apparently Michelle found out from someone (presumably Rajelyn) that we think that the reason why she’s going out with Patsy is because she wants to be part of the Chiqs.

“Didn’t we agree that this would just be a secret?” she snapped.

“Well geez, I only told a couple of people. It’s really no big deal anymore because it’s the past and we don’t feel that way towards her anymore, do we?” I replied, my irritation slowly rising.

Later in the day, I talked to Michelle about it and she said she understood if we felt that way about her. She admitted that she did kind of act like she wanted to be a part of the Chiqs, but that it wasn’t her intention. She even said that she was surprised that Denilou was the one who was pissed at me when it should’ve been her. I totally agree–what the fuck is her problem? Denilou acted as if I had done some unpardonable, unforgivable crime! I admit that I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. But it’s no big deal anymore, I’m already cool with Michelle and she isn’t even mad at us for feeling that way.

For some time now I’ve been thinking of finding other friends. Kapst and I are kind of close but I don’t really know the rest of her friends from the other class. I feel like I need to break away from my barkada for awhile because Denilou is suffocating me. When I’m around her, it’s like I can’t breathe because I feel like she dumps all the weight she is carrying on me. Call me insensitive, call me selfish, call me whatever you want because maybe that really is the kind of person I am. But I’m tired of being so caring, I’m tired of listening to her problems, I’m tired of the fact that she can’t stand alone and has to depend on us to feel some self-worth. Yes, it sounds harsh but I am tired of being her friend. And I want to slip away with as much discretion as possible because I certainly don’t need any more gossip about me.

Casey sent me an e-mail update of what he’s been up to in Germany. I swear, he is so lucky! What I would give to be able to visit palaces and concentration camps, and to meet all sorts of people from around the world. I bet I would probably learn more things from an exchange program than in school, but my dad is too protective and would never allow me. *sigh* The Philippines is but a teensy little island and there’s so much more out there to see! It really frustrates me that I can’t get past the borders of my country, and I really hope that we will be able to go to Singapore next year. I miss riding in planes, I miss the hustle and bustle of airports, I miss the exhilirating feeling I get as I set my foot upon a strange and foreign land. I really do seem to have inherited the Gypsy blood of my Yugoslavian ancestors, so maybe someday…