A fake behind the fear

I looooove this song, Androgyny by Garbage….at first I thought it was Madonna who sang it but when I searched for the lyrics in Google I was surprised to learn that it was actually a Garbage song. I never thought Shirley Manson could sound so much like Madonna. She really kicks ass, I love her red hair. If my skin was whiter I would have my hair dyed a bright shade of red. Thank God today is the end of another wearisome week. I don’t have Spanish class tomorrow morning thanks to some conference, which means I can sleep in and wake up as late as I want! Oh joy…my weekend had a rather rough start though. And my experiences today may have made me realise something about myself. I was supposed to go home early today but my dad arrived in school a lot later than that. My sister just joined the school glee club and they usually have rehearsals after school every Friday. For some reason, rehearsals were cancelled today. But when I called my mom to tell her that, she told us that our dad wouldn’t be able to pick us up earlier because he had to go all the way to Manila to see some doctor. So I had no choice but to wait.

Unfortunately, all my friends were gone by 4:15, leaving me stuck with Patsy. I’ve mentioned this already but for those who don’t know, Patsy and I used to be very good friends. But when she started to go out with Michelle, our phone calls became shorter and shorter until we finally stopped calling each other. We don’t send each other text messages anymore either so as of the past few days we were kind of on a not-really-talking basis. Therefore I felt quite awkward when Michelle left me with her girlfriend. When you have a friend you haven’t seen or talked to in a long time, and suddenly you’re with him/her for the first time in ages, it always tends to feel weird.

I started remarking in a half-teasing, half-scolding tone about how she never texts or calls me anymore. Her excuse? She’s been busy the past couple of days. And then I was like, “In that case, I must be on the bottom of your to-do list, your very last priority.” And it was probably true too because no matter how busy one is, that person will always find time for someone who is important to him/her. She interrupted me and said that it wasn’t the reason, she really was busy but before I could answer that, her kid cousin Christina came up to her and complained that the soles of her shoes were broken. Christina is probably the prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen; she has a sweet, innocent face and looks so much like a porcelain doll. She’s real smart and friendly too. When I grow up I want my children to look and act kinda like that.

After awhile, we came upon two of Patsy’s friends, some Chiqs girls who seem nice but whom I’ve never really tried to get to know. I am the complete opposite of Patsy; she’s the class president. Therefore she is known by everyone and has lots of friends, whereas I am a snob and I’ve never really given a damn about school activities anyway. Patsy then started talking and chilling with some of my batchmates, the kind of people I wouldn’t exactly be hanging around with. That made me feel I felt kind of out of place after awhile so I went inside the school. When I came back out a few minutes later, she was with this girl I particularly despise. A bitch that goes by the name of Nenok. Her real name is Vanessa but for some reason everyone calls her that. Her name suspiciously sounds like the Tagalog word for chicken, manok; however she looks like a bulldog more than anything else. I’m dead serious. Now I don’t dislike people for no reason. Nenok’s one of the people in school I despise the most because she always acts like she’s the boss of everything even though she’s not, and she seems to be pissed at everything everyone does 24/7. Anyhow, Patsy told me that she and Nex (Nenok) were going to watch the varsity basketball practice in the gym and did I want to come? For some reason I said yes but then as we were walking, my sister spotted me and joined us. Sometimes she tends to embarass me in front of me friends and I wasn’t so hot about the possibility of being embarassed by her in front of Nenok. So me and my sister decided to split and hang out in the deserted school playground. Patsy and Nenok were far ahead of us and didn’t really notice. They probably didn’t care either.

Which got me thinking about my social status. I recalled how I felt very out of place after school today and that made me wonder if maybe, just maybe, I was on the road towards Loserville. Now, I’m not a loser per se; I certainly don’t act like one and besides I have my own friends who are, as far as I know, respected by most people in our batch. But I simply can’t understand why I can’t seem to get along with my batchmates and vice versa. I know it isn’t because I’ve established my reputation as a classic snob. But somehow I get this vibe from people like Nenok that tells me that I don’t belong here. That no matter what I do, I’ll never get along with them. Perhaps that’s why I’m such a snob; instead of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not Ms. Popularity, I’ve decided to look at it from another angle. That they never deserved to be my friends in the first place, simply because something about them made them unworthy of my words and my attention. With time, I’ve grown to believe that it is true. Talk about delusions of grandeur, but seriously..I feel like in many ways, I am better than they are and that they do not deserve any of my time.

So the question is, why do I feel bad about feeling so out of place? Particularly when my own friends aren’t around to back me up? I just realised that maybe it’s a teenager thing. I mean, I feel so indestructible when my friends are around. But once they are gone, I am still the same person yet I seem to be much more sensitive and vulnerable where other people are concerned. The same goes with the batchmates I despise; they act all haughty and powerful because they have so many friends but if you attack them when they’re alone, they wouldn’t be able to put up a good fight. It’s an interesting realisation…maybe that’s why our friends are so important to us. Their mere presence is enough to boost your morale.

Perhaps I should take up psychology in college. Ya think?