Maybe someday I’ll be just like you and step on people just like you do

I arrived at school this morning feeling slightly moody, the way I always do after a short break somewhere in the middle of the schoolyear. I dunno why, but I always feel like I’m entering hostile territory after the aforementioned breaks. Sometimes I feel like the people I call “friends” are just acting plastic towards me. Plastic is a slang word here for hypocrites. They talk to me and they’re nice to me, but behind my back I’m almost sure they’re like, “I swear, that Lauryn person is so annoying. I wish she’d stop acting like we’re really good friends or something.” Perhaps I’m psychic…or maybe I’m just being paranoid.
Sometimes I wish people would be more open about their feelings. If anyone’s pissed at me, then just say so because I don’t really give a crap about what you think of me anyhow. Even if you were the most important person in the world I wouldn’t care if you think that I am nothing. Because you are nothing to me. Of course, if you were someone to me, I’d care lots. But then there’s absolutely no way for you to find out if you’re someone to me.

Anyhow, Angelica was telling me about how this girl in her class thinks I’m too flirty-flirty. You know..too maarte. Angelica said she thought I deserved to know because if one girl thought I was projecting that kind of image, then what more would other people think of me? Well it just so happens I don’t care about what Miss Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes Priss thinks of me. I eventually knew who told her that and it made me laugh. Everybody hates her anyway, because she is like a total tattletale. I know that even though I may seem to be that kind of person to her, I’m not. I haven’t even done a bleeding thing to her anyway, so I really don’t see any reason why she has something against me. I just wish that whatever grudge she has against me, she would tell it to my face instead of spreading the word around like a reading from the Bible or something. I wouldn’t have bitten her head off if she did. I really wouldn’t have.

You know, the play we had to watch (Kanser–it’s actually just Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere) was interesting. Actually, it wasn’t the play itself, although it was all right. Certainly better than the school play I watched last Friday. But it was actually my environment that was the amusing/annoying part. Among the five schools that were watching the play, we were the only private school around. Maybe the others were from private schools as well, but they certainly didn’t look or act like it. Their uniforms were horrible. One school had a long sleeved yellow uniform with a white collar and a white belt. Eww. And another school came in wearing their baggy, not-so-nice-looking P.E. t-shirts and jeans. Somebody call the fashion police! Look, I’m not the type of person who picks on people for no reason. I do have a reason for picking on them, and my reason is because they were very irritating.

For instance: as the lights went off after the flag ceremony, the public-school people hooted and wolf-whistled while the rest of the people from my school rolled our eyes at them. Jesus Christ, have these people never seen lights go dim in a theater? Certainly not. Unfortunately for me and my friends, we ended up sitting in the row in front of the students in the P.E. t-shirts and jeans. They were very irritating because on top of the challenge of trying to decipher the deep Tagalog words of the play, I had to pretend that I wasn’t hearing their stupid comments. At the end of the play, when the schools present were being acknowledged, my schoolmates and I were the only ones who didn’t hoot and shout when our school was mentioned. Although a lot of my batchmates have about the same finesse as a charm-school dropout, I was quite impressed at their refined behavior today. I guess it’s quite easy to pinpoint out which students are from private schools and which ones are from private schools in gatherings such as this. Problem is, these particular unrefined batchmates act like students from public schools once we’re inside the classroom. I wonder..maybe it has something to do with their home environment.

You know I really have to work my ass off cos I don’t want to end up pretending to be some colonel’s wife in order to intimidate a security guard who won’t allow me a decent parking space. My classmate told me her mom did that once so yeah, I have to work really hard because if I wanna intimidate people, I wanna make sure I intimidate them with something that’s for real. I realize that I have a rather high opinion of myself, and I guess that’s better than having a low self-esteem. Sometimes I tend to act really precocious and cocky..certain people used to hate me for that but I was actually flattered when they told me so. I like being precocious and cocky. I think it makes me look smart and all-knowing. Of course, I’m not like that all the time. I would be absolutely unbearable if I was.

Well, my retreat is next week already and I think I’d better get a head start on my palanca letters. They’re these letters where you tell people whatever you think of them. Hmm…maybe I ought to drop Miss Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes Priss a little note or something.

We tend to die young

Oh gosh…this is so sad, Aaliyah died in a plane crash when she was coming back to the United States after shooting her video in the Bahamas. Annie sent me a text message that Aaliyah was dead and at first I didn’t believe it because I thought it was just one of those silly rumors people who have nothing better to do make up. But then she said her cousin saw it in the news, and then just as I was about to open up that topic in the boards, I saw that someone already beat me to it. So it’s really true…God, how tragic. I wasn’t really a fan of hers, but I did like some of her songs and it’s quite sad how the people you least expect to die, die. I hope she rests in peace. I wonder..is it really that awful to die? I mean, I’m certainly not good enough for heaven, but I haven’t done anything really bad that makes me worthy of hell. Is there a place in the afterlife that’s somewhere in between? And I’m not talking about purgatory. You know, a place where–although not as perfect as heaven–you could rest in peace. Despite what some people might think, I don’t think I’m going to die young. I’m probably going to die in my nineties of some sickness old people get, surrounded by my numerous children and their grandchildren. And then…I don’t know. I can’t really be certain of where I’ll be headed to after that.

My family ate at The Outback today along with my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. It’s my dad’s birthday on Wednesday and he took us out today because my grandparents would be leaving for the mountains tomorrow. I honestly don’t know why my grandparents like the mountains so much. I mean, I know that it’s real cold and pretty up there, and plus we practically own the damn thing anyway. But I really can’t stand being so far away from civilization. No Internet! No cable TV! No malls! Now I’m no spoiled city brat; I can live without such modern conveniences for a few weeks (provided that I have my books, CDs and Discman with me). But how can one manage to stay so isolated there for so many months on end? Not to mention the long, uncomfortable, bumpy ride and the (ick) bugs. *shudder* How I hate the creepy, crawly little things! The way they fly around the room and land on your stuff randomly, the way they look so disgusting and so buggy, the way your skin itches like hell when they bite you, the way they are…it’s awful. I hate the spiders the most because they look so gross, then the beatles, then the flies, the millions of flies that come from nowhere but stay everywhere. I’m sorry, but I’d take the tropical heat of the beach anyday than survive the bugs. However, it’s been awhile since I went to the mountains. Maybe I should go next summer. What I really enjoyed about my last stay a year ago was climbing on top of a small waterfall with my uncle, aunt, sister and cousin. Then we just sort of waded, splashed around and soaked ourselves under the warm noontime rays. That was really amazing.

Well after our lunch at The Outback, which left me with my tummy sticking out a thousand feet in front of me, we visited my brother at the cemetery. It was raining when we got there and because my sister doesn’t know how to hold an umbrella properly, I got quite wet. But I didn’t mind–actually, I like standing under the rain and getting real soaked. I feel so happy and carefree and kind of like a five-year old whenever that happens and I wanted to do just that. Except I was in a rather girly mood today–I wore a skirt, something I rarely do–and somehow getting all wet under the rain just didn’t look right with my image. So it was under the umbrella I stayed.

I’m soooo glad we won’t have school tomorrow and on Tuesday! Talk about a very extended weekend. Maybe I’ll go out tomorrow.

And her nose starts to bleed a most beautiful ruby red

I just got up from a three-hour nap, only to find that the Internet is down. Wonderful..I planned to work on my History homework tonight but obviously there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I think I’ll just go rot in front of the TV along with my sister.

Although we did a lot of stuff in school today, it was still kind of a semi-boring day. The day began with the Filipino Week Celebration. The Filipiniana dress I had to wear for the Cari�osa dance was not only very short (it only reached the middle of my shins…not only does it looks ridiculous but no self-respecting Filipina in the olden days would dare show her naked ankles) but it was also incredibly itchy and tight. I couldn’t breathe in the damn thing, and the panty-thing in the costume made it even more uncomfortable because it gave me a major wedgie. Later on, I learned that the reason why it was so short was because it was used for a ballet. Wow. The girl who owned it must’ve been a pretty small girl. Thank God we were the third to perform…I didn’t care that we sucked big-time because the bossiest girl made the most mistakes. I was just glad that I could finally wiggle out of my body-fitting Filipiniana and change back into my uniform. After getting some food into my stomach, Maricris, Glaiza and Kapst decided to forget about finishing the programme since it was being held in the gym. It was hot, uncomfortable and boring in there because grade-school kids would perform and you know how boring their presentations can get sometimes. So we instead sat around the classroom and talked until the program was over…it wasn’t extremely exciting but it was certainly a million times better than staying in the gym getting bored out of our minds and getting a sore back from sitting on the high bleachers.

Then during the afternoon, the grade school and high school departments trudged inside the auditorium to watch the play I’d been hearing so much about: A Fragrant Rose, which is about the life of Santa Rosa de Lima. I was so pissed and disappointed when the director didn’t choose me when I auditioned for the play, and as I stood in queue I wondered if the play would be worth all that disappointment. Once it was over, I was glad I didn’t get chosen–the play sucked. The school’s Dance Club performed in it and they were quite good, and so was the Glee Club. But the rest was completely boring. Not only could I barely hear the performers but their lines sounded so recited–monotonous and without emotion. Plus all Saint Rose did (in the play) was pray in the grotto and receive visions of hell, and although that’s quite scary it’s certainly not exciting enough to be turned into a play. Then I remember reading once in the Book of Saints that Saint Rose would scourge herself and made a crown of thorns out of iron for penance. How come they didn’t include all that bloody stuff? They’re the only things that gave excitement to her life. Why couldn’t have the school chosen a patron saint who got tortured and killed by the Romans in the arena? That would’ve made one heckuva play!

We didn’t go to the Power Plant today as planned…maybe tomorrow, if they still feel like going out. I feel so fat..yuck. I wish my period would hurry up and come so I could get rid of all this weight.