I hope that you’ll always know how to take my breath away

School wasn’t so interesting today. I came to school feeling somewhat antisocial but my mood perked up when my teacher announced our ranks. I thought I would get a really low rank, like rank 25 or 30 because I know I’m no genius in Chemistry and Trigo. Just when I was on the verge of tears, ready to moan and cry about what a complete and total idiot I am, I received the paper that contained my rank. With shaking hands and a pounding heart, I opened it. To my surprise, I saw the number 13 staring up at me in black ink. I was unable to believe my eyes. I stared at it for an entire minute and then turned it upside-down, just in case it was 31 in reverse. Nope…it was definitely 13. What a relief! I felt a million times better after that..I guess I’m not such a hopeless case after all. I was so glad about my rank that I actually found my Chemistry test easy. And you know how Chemistry is like a foreign language to me. Whoo!

Tomorrow I’m going shopping with Maricris and Glyka for the stuff I need to bring to the retreat. I finished writing most of my palanca letters this afternoon..I love writing letters. Actually I only love writing letters to people I’m comfortable with. Sometimes I end up writing two or three pages worth, but I have absolutely no idea if they appreciate them or not. However, I love receiving letters, especially if they’re long. Speaking of letters, I haven’t gotten any from Casey yet although he promised he’d write me within a week or less. God, how I miss him. I wonder how he is right now? What is he doing? Does he miss everything he left behind? Or did he forget about it all already? Is that the reason for his silence? My biggest fear is that he’ll fall in love and run away with some German girl. If that happens then it’s over. I don’t mean to sound like a posessive girlfriend here or anything, but I don’t think I can ever love anyone as much as I love him. I mean, I’ve loved him ever since I was a kid. Not many people can say that about the people they love. Well anyway, he doesn’t seem to be the kind of person who falls in love easily. But still, these things could happen and I really, really, really hope they don’t! I know he probably doesn’t love me the way I love him. But still, I’d rather he stay single and not love me than see him fall completely for someone else!

Hmm, Star Wars is on. I love Star Wars, even though it was made in the Dark Ages and even though it’s for kids. It’s like one of those things I’ll like forever. Well anyway, I’d better go.

To forgive takes practice

chool sucked. I had this major headache the entire day, and if it’s because of my glasses I’d be surprised. I just changed my lenses two weeks ago..my eyes sure are strange. Because of that I was in a semi-grouchy mood today, although my head hurt too much for me to act grouchy at all. My classmates in particular were getting into my nerves. They act like they don’t get fed at home at all because whenever they see food inside the classroom, they go really wild. If for example, you bring a bag of chips and my classmates see it, they will enthusiastically devour the entire thing in less than five minutes. It’s pathetic. So whenever I eat in the classroom, I take great measures in making sure that it doesn’t look like I’m eating anything. On the other hand, there are the social climbers who bring lots of food to school. Sometimes they only give the “popular” people, but if they’re in a good mood they’ll give anything to anyone. They’re the only ones aside from my friends whom I ask food from. Otherwise, I think it’s really thick of me to get food from someone I normally pay no attention to.

I don’t know why, but I really feel like there are certain people who are secretly irritated at me. Normally I don’t really care about what anyone thinks of me, but the people whom I think are irritated at me are the ones I actually like talking to. And it feels rather degrading when you feel that the people you like (platonically) don’t like you back. For that reason I can’t really say if I’m dreading or looking forward to the retreat on Monday. I’ll be gone until Wednesday and just thinking of being stuck with my classmates (I just can’t decide if I like or dislike them) for three days makes me feel uneasy and sick. I’ll try to have a good time though..I hope all goes well.

I can’t wait for the weekend to come. I need my sleep.

I pray you can make it better down here

I feel sleepy. I just came back from a seafood restaurant; today’s my dad’s 42nd birthday and he took us out for dinner tonight. The food was great, and the best part about seafood is that it didn’t give me that sick, full feeling I always have whenever I come home from restaurants. We didn’t have any homework today, so I used my spare time to get started on my palanca letters (they’re these letters people give out during retreats, and basically you just write what you think about that person). I’ve only done around five letters out of the twenty or so people I planned to write to. Writing palanca letters can be tough; I’m the kind of person who chooses her words carefully when it comes to a confrontation. I’m also the kind of person who likes her letters to sound very lyrical and descriptive and that can be really hard to do when you don’t know the person that well and the only thing you can think of saying is, “You’re nice.” So why, do you ask, do I bother writing people I hardly even know? Well only because they’ll throw all these stuff at me to make me feel guilty like, “How come you wrote all my friends but didn’t write me a palanca?” So I write them a lot of bullshit just so they can stop bugging me about that kind of crap. And then sometimes I have friends, but they’re not the kind of friends I would write letters to so I’m also super clueless as to what to say to them. Ahh, the challenge of writing these sort of letters! If only I didn’t have nice-looking paper I’ve been dying to use I wouldn’t even bother.

School wasn’t so exciting today. Today I found out that my homeroom adviser will be leaving for New Zealand in September because she got a teaching job there. Aww, lucky her! She’s a spinster but at least she gets to see a bit of the world. God, how I miss travelling. The bustling of people at the airports, the excitement of stepping on foreign soil and breathing the air that smells so strange and new. My aunt arrived at San Francisco a few days ago and how I wish I was with her! I haven’t seen much of the world yet but I know that San Francisco is the place for me. I just have to visit it soon!

My classmates were talking about the end of the world, and someone mentioned that the rapture or all that stuff that happens in the Book of Revelations, will happen in our generation. In the year 2007 to be exact. And that really scared and depressed me because I’ll only be around 21 or 22 at that time. Real life would have barely begun for me at that time and then it’ll just end. Jesus, I sure hope that shit won’t happen to me, not when I haven’t experienced living in the real world out there. I highly doubt it, but then you never know these things..gosh, it’s such a depressing thing to think of. Sometimes I can’t believe how totally unfair God can be, to make me live only to witness people vanishing into thin air and to watch in helpless terror as the angels throw the evil people into the pit of fire. If this shit is true, I can’t believe that He would make me dream of marrying (insert name here) and having lots of kids in vain because He would end the world soon. Humanity is ten times more evil than it was years ago, what with all that globalization shit, and what more will humanity be like twenty years from now? Surely God won’t be able to stand the greedy humans that we are…He’ll definitely end the world! I can’t stand it.

I have a headache.