Suppose it’s just a point of view

At school today I was feeling kind of moody and antisocial for an unknown reason. I don’t know…I felt like everybody was irritated by my very presence, particularly with the way I act/talk. Normally I don’t give a damn bout what they think of me–who are they to me anyway? But I’m human too, and a human has needs and today I needed to feel accepted. I felt like my social life has hit the rock bottom and that put me in a nasty mood.

Then after school I went to Ms. Mavic’s (my Pilipino Tutor) cos I had to translate an English article to Filipino. To my surprise, my friend Michelle K. (different from the Michelle at school) was there and I was glad to see her cos the last time we’d talked was around January. I like talking to her because around her I’m not afraid to show my English-speaking, girly-acting self. In school I have to be careful and make sure I don’t act too girly or speak English too good but I can’t help acting the way I really do. I wish I went to Michelle’s school because everyone there acts like I do and I bet I’d really fit in there. But the most I can probably hope for is that she’ll introduce me to some people. Maybe I should go to Ateneo de Manila University instead of the University of the Philippines. I was told that it’s a lot like high school and I guess I want to experience a high school life where I can totally be myself. I’m tired of acting un-myself just to be accepted.

I was looking through the blue Adidas shoebox where I keep my letters from friends and other important memorabillia (except for my pictures, which I keep organized in photo albums). Looking through my old letters made me smile and at the same time made me feel sad. I think I lose more friends more than I keep them. Glyka had written me a five-page letter for my birthday, but now we barely glance at each other in class anymore. Sometimes I feel that she’s embarassed to be with me; she’s one of the “in” people now, those who wear those huge pants and get their cartileges pierced and that makes me sad cos we had been really close once. Then I read this letter Dina wrote me last year; she was telling me how glad she was to be my best friend and that one made me feel really lousy. Today is her birthday and I just stood there in front of her and pretended that I didn’t know. And then there were more letters from Michelle and all the others that had once been my good friends. Ugh. My social life is going really bad right now. I really can’t wait to go to college so I can leave everyone behind and make new friends who will probably accept me more. Or maybe I won’t meet anyone and I’ll just be the weird girl at the back of the class wearing black. I’m scared that I’m destined to be a loner in life. And I hope that won’t happen..I really hope it won’t.