Exploding seems like a definite possibility to me

Life hasn’t been too exciting. All I’ve been doing is watch TV mostly (I had voice and piano lessons this morning but that’s about it). Patsy called me to ask if I wanted to go out with her and some other people anytime this week. She’s leaving for Hong Kong in a few days and then the States after that and she’s not even sure if she’s coming back anymore cos her dad’s thinking of migrating. I don’t really feel like going out but I’d like to see her before she leaves. It’s kind of lousy that she might be moving away. She’s the only down-to-earth person in the Chiqs (who are a big bunch of airheads and morons) and she’s been a great listener and friend (she’s the only person in school aside from Kriya whom I can speak straight English to). I was thinking that maybe we’d be classmates this year, I really hope she doesn’t have to move.

I need to get more exercise, or stop eating less. My arms are starting to look like giant hams and I hate it. I don’t mind not being toothpick-thin but I really wish that my arms would firm up a little. No matter how much I exercise they always stay the same. Flabby and awful. I don’t like looking into the mirror anymore. There are two kinds of mirrors; one that reflects a good-looking you and another that reflects the ugly-looking you. When I have voice lessons I have to vocalize looking into this full-length mirror. So that I don’t get depressed I just stare at the desk in the background and try not to look at myself. The mirror at my voice lessons is the one that reflects the ugly me; my tummy protrudes a bit, my face shines and my eyebrows look thick. But I like looking into my bathroom mirror; my pimples don’t stand out as much, my hair is shiny and beautiful and overall I think I look quite nice.

I think I might sleep early tonight. The heat is making me feel sleepy and I’ve been feeling that way all afternoon.

I will stare into the sun until its light doesn’t blind me

Ooh, I feel sleepy. I just watched The Mexican with my parents at Glorietta 4 and although it dragged on for too long it had a lot of funny parts. I don’t really like long movies, unless the story is really good, cos it gets too boring and when it does you start thinking, “Okay, when the hell is this goddamn thing gonna end so I can go on with the rest of my life?” When I was buying my popcorn at Tater’s I looked around for this girl who worked there named John. Yes, John. She looked like Angelina Jolie with cropped, blonde hair. Me and my friends saw her once early during sophomore year and we were all wondering why a really pretty girl like her was working at Tater’s. She had a big tattoo on her leg and that’s what intrigued me most about her I think. I mean if I were to get a tattoo, I would place it in a place that could be covered up by clothing, like my ankle or my lower back. I change my mind a lot and if one day I get bored with my tattoo all I need to do is cover it up and I’ll have no problem. Whenever I buy popcorn I think of tattoos. I’m weird, I know.

My sister left for the States this afternoon at three and I’m kind of going to miss her constant door-slamming and phone-ringing. I really, really wanna go to the States! I might go to San Francisco next year for two months with my family and I really hope it pushes through. I did leave my heart in San Francisco; to me it’s the most beautiful place on earth. I always thought that I’d live in Niagara-on-the-Lake, this town in Toronto. It’s very postcard picturesque and the cemeteries looked soooo beautiful but it was just too quiet, too far from the city. Another thing about San Francisco is that I won’t be lonely because I’ve got family and friends. When I grow up I am definitely going to settle down in San Francisco.

Jeff is coming to the Philippines this June! Oh yeah! I am really excited…we’ve been friends ever since I was ten or eleven so it’s good to finally meet him in person. He used to be a real nerd when I first met him, so stiff and formal, but he’s changed so much now. I can’t wait to meet him.

And from above, everything’s stinking

Blah. Today was average. Basically all I’ve done was watch TV and then go to the Jade Vine for an hour or two to help my sister pack up her costumes for the Choir tour. I’m thinking that maybe I should join the choir tour next year so I could go to the States and not die of the boredom and heat here. Maybe I’ll even get a solo, to compensate for the fact that I don’t have any friends in there anymore. I need new books, I’ve reread everything I have and I asked Chris to bring over the Anne Rice books he borrowed from me but he didn’t so oh well. You can’t really rely on people anymore.

I realized that I like watching TV for the same reason I like listening to music. They fill up the silence in the spaces between my brains and my ears. When I watch TV I don’t need to think. I simply exist. The same goes for music except that there are songs that remind me of events, songs that make me cry. I don’t know of any TV shows or movies that mean any sentimental value for me. So when I don’t want to be a thinking, feeling human being, I turn on the tube and zone out. Like a zombie, haha.

I don’t really care about my weight anymore. I wouldn’t wanna be obese or anything, but I have to admit that I look fine the way I am. I don’t need any crash diets or anything like that and besides, isn’t it annoying to hear someone whine about how fat she is when she isn’t?

Another day gone by till school starts…