Fat Me

i haven’t realized how fat i was until i weighed myself about ten minutes ago.

“___ pounds!” i shrieked. “nnnnnnnooooooooooooooo!” [from utter shame and embarassment, the author refuses to announce her weight]

my crazy sister grinned at me. “well, ten more pounds and you’ll be as fat as me.”

“aaaaaauuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh!” i screamed.

i went on crying bloody murder for awhile, then i burst in my mom’s room and shouted, “i weigh ___ pounds!”

she too, was shocked and said, “really?” but later on, she added, “i had a feeling you would. your arms were getting larger.”

and now, i write this entry, debating with myself whether or not i should skip breakfast tomorrow.

this afternoon, having nothing to do, i turned on the TV and watched the top 100 videos of 1998 on mtv. around the 26th or 25th video was one by a group of chinese artists [i think] called knife something and the title of their song was “banana chips”. the song went something like this: “banana chips for you, banana chips for me. i can’t live without my banana chips.” it was a silly song, and it sounded more like a commercial than a music video to me, but deep inside, i wondered why now of all times, is food tempting me everywhere? just this evening after crying and wailing, i had immediately indulged a cheese sandwich.

i wish i was amy. she’s as thin as a stick and no matter how much she eats, she won’t get any fatter. i don’t care if i look horrible if i am super-thin, at least i won’t be fat!

there is one bright side to all this. “don’t worry about it, fat comes and goes, but love is eternal, and those who truly love you, are going to stick with you no matter what you gain or lose, and those peoples are going to be the only ones you will and want to be around.” that’s what casey told me when i was whining about my fats once. “just remember that the body is a shell, covering and protecting of what means most and what is most valuable ”

and to top it all, he said “well, just remember i’ll love you no matter how bad or good you look like” that was really caring for him to say that. but thank god he can’t see me now. i bet he would change his mind.